One Magical, Beautiful, Year

Dear Eli,

There is no way to explain how amazing the last year of our lives have been. I wish I was talented enough with words to write what I feel in my heart, to make you feel what I feel, to let you know just how much you are loved.

Motherhood came and slapped me in the face with the full force of the world. It's been an amazing year, but it's been oh so hard as well. A year has gone and I can hardly remember the sleepless nights anymore, but every once in a while, you like to keep us on our toes and remind us what those first days were like.

There are so many things I want to remember. I've been terrible about writting things down. I want to document a couple of thoughts right now, while they are still fresh in my mind:

Rocking you to sleep those first few months when you were teeny tiny, has got to be one of the most magical experiences a person can have. You have big, beautiful eyes, and long, long, eyelashes. I like to think that you got my eye shape, and your daddy's eye color, but I'm not quite sure if that is true. Sometimes I had to stare at you for a long, long, time to see if you were really asleep. Your lashes are so long, you can't tell if your eyes are closed or not.

Your smell, your beautiful baby smell. Everyone talked about it, but I never knew it was true. I want to remember what you smelled like. I know that sounds weird, and I'm sure I'll laugh about it some day, but you just smell so magical. There were times when I would be at work and I would catch the scent and it would make me do a double take. It's fading every day as you grow, and I wish I could bottle it up and save it forever.

I never knew what tears of joy were before I met you. I'm pretty emotional under normal circumstances, but I had never cried because I was HAPPY before. But, you, oh you changed that my boy. Many, many, nights I cried in the dark as I rocked you to sleep because I was just so happy. So happy that you were mine and that I would get to love you for the rest of our lives. Last Sunday, January 20th, Dad and I went to Starbucks for some coffee, you were asleep in your carseat, and when you finally woke up, you were just peaceful and smiley and content. I got you out of your carseat and usually you wanna get up and run around the shop, but this day you let me hold you, you laid your head on my chest and you just sat there. Nice, quiet, calm, you just laid on my chest. We were in a public place, and our friend was making fun of me, but I just cried and cried and cried. You made me so happy, I can't explain why I cried, other than holding you like that, so close and you holding me, gave me the sense that you loved me too. Even dad tried to explain to our friend that you don't normally behave like this, so it was quite the treat to cuddle with you.

Even now, a year later there are still days where I look at you and to know that I MADE you, I made you, and carried you in belly for 9 whole months blows me away. It's incredible and beautiful and makes you realize just how amazing the human body is. Those first few months, I told your dad, as weird as it sounds, I missed being pregnant for two reasons. First, when you were in my belly you were safe, and warm, and protected, and nothing could ever hurt you. I was your everything and I loved providing for you. But the other reason I missed it, was that know that I knew just exactly what amazing little creature was in there, it made the pregnancy even more special. Every little kick and hiccup and spin in there was YOU. It's amazing to see your face and remember what your kicks felt like from the inside.

My whole life, I've always known I wanted to be a mom. I loved children, I love taking care of people, but my goodness, Eli, I had no idea. Just no idea how amazing it would be to have you. Every absurd, cheesy, cliche you've ever heard about love or parenthood is true. In fact, I am certain I did not even know what true, unadulturated, pure, selfless love was like before you. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was like to love something, someone, so much. Grandma tried telling me, she still tells me, that what I feel for you, is what she feels for me, but I still don't believe it. No one can love anyone the way I love you. You could grow up to hate me and spit in my face, and I'd still love you. Know this my boy, mommy will always love you, always.

Eli, you have changed me. You have changed me to my very core. Again, I can't explain it, I don't quite know if I understand the extent of it myself, but I feel different. From the moment you were born, I was born too. I am a new person, I feel different, I act different, I talk and think differently. I feel it on the inside. Some of it is obvious, I've become more confident, more vocal, stronger, but other parts of me have changed, something deep inside my being has shifted and I don't know what it is. It's like suddenly, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I know what I want know, I know who I am, I am not lost and wandering anymore, you made me an adult and that lost little girl is gone. These are all good things my love, you filled a hole in my heart that has always been there, but I never knew what needed to go in that spot. But, it's so clear now, I was waiting for you. I was born to be your mother.